{Excerpt #5, journal of a sacred whore.}

 

They ask me how to be sure it’s safe in here. I say: first find safety in there. I vow to do the same, and when we bring our own safety we can trust the agreements we create together.

They ask me how to have sex when they’ve known it before as a weapon. I hear. They ask me how to make room for forgiveness in a world where such things persist. I hear. They ask me why the fuck not just turn it off and move along. So.

I always say the same thing: find your center and walk. Walk forward. Further down your own path. Come along. We’re going somewhere together. Remember where you’re going. (Or make it up. Or choose anew. Or be still. But always: continue.) That’s part of why I am here: to encourage your continued vigor. To unlock the places where you have carried distrust in your own vessel. To promise to be present with you through the swailing, to hold vigil in the charred memorial, to hear you when you find yourself alive and aware. I will be there for that. When you show up here, for this, wherever you are when you’re ready.

I don’t have the answers to your questions. We’re going to find out those answers together, because you’re going to be finding them out. I’m not here to save you, to be sure. You can do that yourself, and perhaps you’ll find that you must. But I vow to breathe in your silences, to hear rather than fill them. To nourish your fertile balances. To listen for where you’re going and to be there when you arrive. For all your smouldering Edens I have good coffee grounds & compost & beetles, seeds & larks & honeybees. Clover & moss & velvet.

It’s my pleasure to watch you grow. It’s your pleasure I propose to grow. Pleasure is a well-honed evolutionary tool in my belt, and it can be incredibly efficient when wielded wisely. You have my word that my work is dedicated to wisdom in wielding. It’s not your job to figure that out. It’s your job to be honest, to tend your agreements, and to lean into your own growth. There are many shapes this can take, depending on the elements to be rendered. I assure you, my tools work in all manner of alchemical equations. The exchange is always equitable: we will discuss this until we create an arrangement suitable for both of us.

My own mission is fairly simple. The memories of rape culture live in the collective unconscious. We heal in the present, where traumatic memories can be given re-routes if we have the tools & supports to successfully pattern-interrupt. It is my job (my actual profession) to assist in healing the splits, rewiring the electrical configurations, stitching the tissues together. Showing up, paying attention. Supporting you in danger with a steady hand. Instrument tuned, streaming. Hips nearly swimming. Awash. Heartrinse. Spin cycle. Come up for air. Let the current float you. Come. Alive. Here.

In our work: your honest will, your heart’s consent only, your authentic self-actualization: it is the singular appetizing spark to this tongue. Respect for your choices will fill the above and below, polishing up the mirrorball that is my only visible toy. Your every move will be encompassed, your journey sovereign, so good news: there’s nowhere to hide.

I’ve compassion for the vulnerable and the hidden, but I have not the time nor the pity for hiding. Do not waste your mirth on mockery. You’ll need to be willing to come out, or at least to begin with recognizing there’s somewhere out of which to come. There’s a difference between hiding something and tending a secret. Hiding is dodging; tending a secret is incubating an evolution. Hiding gives off an unmistakable scent. It smells like self-pity, most often. Secrets, however, are not of this scent. Secrets can be right and proper, given appropriate temples & tenders. I do respect secrets fully, as I respect their telling. And you, as I, get to choose when secrets wait and when openings come.

Understand this, in Bringing Your Own Safety: safety is an aspect of relationship. It is built of Trust, which provides stable molecular structures for the verb known as Consent. As I have learned throughout countless seasons of dedicated study: Trust thrives where Respect is clear. Respect for one’s own nature, the nature of another, and all of nature.

You can trust these things here. Confidentiality, I respect. Timing, I respect. Honesty, I require. Compassion, I have in spades up every sleeve. What I fuel with my attention and care is the Creation of Consent. This is where my temple lives, so this is where we meet, where we can hone our edgework, and where we get to find out what safety feels like together.

~VGR~

 

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