Author: auspiciaoblativa

Communiputor

As soon as she was privy to the blues of her winged friends, Livia set out to investigate. She dove into the inner sanctum of her large, many-layered wooden nest, toiling and tinkering within. Flashes of colored light and smoke occasionally burst out window or chimney, followed with a birdthroated sound of discovery and a continued hum of bustling quiet. This scene was a regular one in this particular patch of well-wooded Forest, up in the Northest of Borderlands. Most observers of said phenomena, however, did not boast human eyes. The thick perimeter of Birchwood winked at the close circle of Willows hugging the house, passing knowing glances about this most dear of inhabitants. She’s on to something. A breeze swayed softly in the Willows’ hair. Indeed. The sun glinted just so, from Birch to Birch. A few glides from each, where Pigeons roosted uneasily in an oddly-shaped grain tower, the air was fairly sparkled with the invisible messengers of tree-speak, and the silent mood was inexplicably calmed with each passing breath.

The colors and caws emanating from the cottage continued well into the yellowing of the day. Bit by bit, the only color to burst from the cloistered artist’s lab was blue. Blue, blue, blue.

Before sunset, Livia returned to the Tower, steeped in elysian temperament, with the messages that would assuage the flock-panic of The Blue Scare. News of the discovery was spread quickly through the Tower flockery, and messengers were sent wheeling Westward to deliver to the Rocky Mountain crew for immediate proliferation amongst the broader PLPL network. Because the Chicago meeting was soon upon them, the flock of Livia’s Tower voted unanimously to deliver the message in person to their Eastern affiliates in two days’ time. Beyond the two outposts, the weather would carry the rest.

They would meet after a day’s flight, and so they settled down to roost until the morning star sounded.

Most of them, that is.

Florence was still awake. She had not quite been able to synthesize the information about high protein content of base grains with what she already knew of Livia’s actual designs. She calmed herself with the reassuring knowledge that she knew more about the inner workings of Livia’s grand mission than nearly any other Pigeon. That meant she was rightly privy to more worry than most of the flock. Understandably so; her bird-sized nervous system successfully micro-processed information made to pass through much larger bodies. This is why she was able to act as messenger to the messengers. Even so, she fretted wildly in the dark quiet of night, wondering if the old lady was actually satisfied with her protein findings, or if there was more to know.

There was always more to know.

Florence found herself pacing outside Livia’s window in the pearly moonlight. Feeling her grey matter pulsing with even more lightning storms than usual, she practiced the practice, letting her wobbling circles move the thoughts expeditiously through the feeling-filter: lists of things to worry about, nonsensical pattern-recognition, unprocessed yet perfectly-filed synchronicities, film reel of the day’s visual input at 75 frames per second… there it was! She had come across a troubling bit of newspaper during that afternoon’s birddropping rounds. That’s right. The headlines that caught her peripheral vision[1] in a flapping glossy digest of madness, discovered at her usual park-pecking spot in town, they’d produced an emotive wave that matched this feeling of dread that had been churning her insides since sundown. Their content was frankly hideous. Horrendous. It didn’t make any sense. It must be faulty information. Flapping madly now herself, Florence toddled in agitated circles, lit up with the feeling that matched the thought that matched the feeling. There it was; she’d properly tracked it down, but now it was fluttering through her every nerve. She paced and flapped in circles, looking like a holographic cartoon of birdly befrazzlement whose signal was fritzing out every few seconds. The trees looked on, sighing compassion toward the creature, but it would be a moment before such subtleties reached through the heightened emotive scramble.

The old woman inside the cottage was taking her time with tinctures, carefully carrying a balance of jars and vials down into the cellar and coming back with handfuls of teeny paper scrolls which she placed one by one into a vast wall made of tiny labeled drawers. The drawers were tiny, that is, in terms of their square faces, but lengthy enough to be drawn out across the entire width of the room; each note had to be filed in exactly its right place.

Florence was quite familiar with this nightly ritual, and Livia moved with a studied efficiency. Even so, ole Flo found herself increasingly feather-ruffled by the slow tedium of it while anxiety was twiddling her nerves at every step. A breeze shifted just so, reminding her of a scent of her fledgling years. She took a deep inhale of it and then called up all her reserves to calm herself down. She connected to the slow-paced heartbeat of the All-Bird: O-gi-maa, O-gi-maa, O-gi-maa. Three long breaths later, however long that registered by the moon’s crawl across the sky, she finally felt calm enough to hold still. All was well. She recalled her place. The anxiety-producing thoughtfeeling was a human thing, and she was simply a Messenger. She would do her best by it, as with any message.

In that very moment, the old woman at last looked over, spotting her moonlit friend through the window with neither hurry nor surprise.

Livia opened the door and stepped into the threshold to receive Florence gracefully on her shoulder.

Yes, dear? I trust you have something to say at the end of this long day?”

Flo bobbed her head so vigorously she almost catapulted herself off the shoulder perch. Livia ignored the extreme cuteness factor in this gesture, walking swiftly to the communication station to hear what had worked her friend into such a tizzy.

The Communiputor, as it was fondly called by its frequenters, was a human-bird interface kept in the back office of Livia’s house. By human sight, it was a shape loosely based on a computer, but as if it were built by a 5 year old with freedom and crayon to properly cartoon what a computer should look like. Its screen took up the entire wall and it included small cupboards for manual input and output. It was enshrined in a thick green vine of some sort, growing plentifully down the edges onto the floor and up toward the windows. It indeed had a keyboard, but it was spilled out into a maze of squares on the surface of the table, lit up with the winking sparkle of a tetrachromatic spectrum. The letters were oddly ordered, and there were many more of them, with a variety of repeats and doubles, collated phonemes and dipthongs huddled close. They appeared to move as the birdbeak touched them, lining up for ease of availability as the path of letters chosen translated to a natural landing of words upon the screen. Notably, instead of landing in left-to-right linear fashion, the words arose seemingly at random as the shape of each sentence was found. Livia watched in measured attention, gathering her notepad, a multicolored hydra of a pen, and a handful of the heart-shaped leaves to chew upon.

Livia. I do not know what the trouble is, but I’ve tracked my inner thought-spin as you’ve taught us, and I believe there is something Extra Troubling about this blue matter. I don’t know why, but it has to do with a headline I saw earlier today. And so I must ask: are you entirely certain about your findings?”

The biped chewed thoughtfully on a leaf. “You are astute, my dear. I have passed on the information found today in my studies. It is a simple solution, tried and true, and it resonates with the research found many times over by long-time fanciers and bird-tenders. Too much protein can indeed cause a blueing of the skin. So yes, I did think it was complete. But, my well-attuned friend, as I’ve been tending to the Integration Station tonight, I found some stray ends. Of the protein spike, I am certain, but I have found more complex causes for concern.”

The beak pecked swiftly: “What? What concern?”

A small smile graced the thin craggy face. The trust and respect were mutual, and this dear bird came circling back in exactly the right time, every time. Livia took a slow breath and organized her findings. As she spoke, she stood and moved her hands on the screen, drawing up brightly colored images, each matching a different section of speech. The bird was simultaneously learning new information and cataloguing known information. The Communiputor functioned not only as a translation of bird thought into human formation, but vice versa. Communication was most efficient when both creatures simultaneously learned the language of the other. Livia learned this from the Birds early on in their work together, and they’d built a machinated science of it, tuned down to the most subtle of listening capacities between languages. [2]

Well,” Livia ran her fingers briefly over the soft silvery backfeathers of her small distinguished companion and then began to lay the story out. “The trouble with it being only caused by protein interactions is that it came on so suddenly. I’ve been feeding you this same base feed for years now, and we’ve not recently changed the vitamedicine supplement recipe. It is possible they’ve only recently changed their nutrition formulas to include such a protein spike, but it is more likely that that percentage gradually increased over months or years. So, if there is another contributing factor, it may include… something I don’t like at all.”

The bird nearly flipped over pecking out the single word, “WHAT?!”

Livia intentionally slowed and calmed her voice as she drew forth imagery on the screen. “I simply need to know where the extra spike might have come from. Is there any additional food source you folks have found? If you birds have been eating from a public store at all, it could mean big trouble.”

As you know, Pro-Life Pigeon League policy is that we avoid the big city feeders entirely, since we cannot rule out new poisons for which you’ve not yet given us the antidote. But, well,” Florence’s mind flashed with the recent saga of Wilhelm, and the film reel that was shuffling in her mind stopped with this card on deck: “Oh. We did get into an open trough in the southerly farmlands. It had been gone through by the chickens for the day, and we were quite hungry on a long homing flight.”

Livia met the single upturned eye. Quietly: “This is something you haven’t told me, dear. Was there anything else?”

Florence walked slowly over the letterpath. “You remember the one we lost.”

Wilhelm.” Livia’s eyes were sharp, though her body continued its calm hum.

That happened the same day. It hadn’t occurred to me when we gave you the report. Things were so scrambled, somehow I forgot to mention the food stop.” The wee creature loosed a shiver that shook through every last feather of her passeriform form. “Oh. Oh dear.”

The lady of the white headfluff spoke soothingly as she conjured shape and color on the wall. “Now, Florence. There is nothing amiss. We will track it through the dreamweave. It could be that Wilhelm had an allergic reaction to something in the food, yes. It could also be that the food itself was protein-laden enough to have caused the recent spike and subsequent blueing, and that Wilhelm’s death was elsewise caused. These things are not causal, however inextricably correllated. So we’ll take the shortest path: your intuition. Tell me, what was the exact thoughtform that had you all aflutter outside my window tonight?”

Florence’s nerves lurched and re-settled instantly upon being seen. Spotlit. Immediacy. Right. She had already tracked this one. She spelled it out: “The thoughtform and its corresponding anxiety sourced from the magazine article I happened to view earlier today.”

and suddenly it clicked.

Scrambling wildly across the rubbery letterspill, Flo spilled her guts like a freshly potty-trained toddler finally arriving at grandma’s house after two hours of are-we-there-yet-ing.

There is a human couple having their 24th baby! 24 babies! 24! That is insane! How will we ever survive on this planet? If every human made 24 more humans, can you imagine how quickly the ship would go down? They’re using the same tactic we are, trying to fertilize every single egg that passes!” [3] [4]

Oh. Oh, my. Oh, my my,” Livia shed an authentic tear. It channeled in between her South-Southwest crowsfeet and disappeared below the desert rose of her cheekbone. She recognized the exact tone that lit the room with the Pigeon’s dismay, and it matched precisely with the feeling in her belly that had landed upon learning about the mystery food. This is how the greater body signals itself. Subtle to track properly, indeed, but infinitely trustworthy once removed from its identification matrix. Livia was by then a seasoned tracker devoted to the complete trust necessary for Mastery. She chanced a hypothesis: “Florence, have any of the laying flock noticed anything out of place in the days since losing Wilhelm?”

The bird paced thoughtfully. “Everyone’s laying with the same reliable vigor. Nothing new to report.”

Of course. We wouldn’t know for another few weeks…”

Know what? What do you sense?”

Florence.” She leveled her tone and did her best to deliver only the message, no additives. “There are people who give the birds in their care a substance called a contraceptive. It renders all eggs laid sterile. I am concerned that there may have been something like this in the feed that you found that day.”

Even in the total immersion of Equanimity and Compassion with which Livia filled the room, the Pigeon nearly lost her wits and lunch all at once. She flapped like a Goose taking flight, cursed like a pack of Crows, careened all over the keyboard pumping out a stream of technogibberish, shitting on more than one dipthong.

Livia stood still, observing carefully and feeling with her friend.

Slowly, surely, the cacophany capable of being produced by a creature feeling drastically thwarted in carefully-laid plans did subside, step by step and flap by flap. Unphased, Livia chewed on another leaf, letting Florence regain her orientation and will to speak.

Speak she did. Nobly, with great reserve: “That is a dastardly, fiendish practice, surprising even for the sleepwalking mumblers that populate the human race.”

Livia nodded, unoffendable.

Florence continued: “And you mean to tell me that those responsible for non-consensually contracepting other species are meanwhile in cahoots with those who are hellbent on saddling the planet with 1200% MORE of their own species? Unthinkable. Maniacal. Preposterous.”

Bonkers. But then, of course, those people don’t know they’re in cahoots, necessarily.”

Florence marched resolutely over the squares, “That is no better. In fact it’s worse. That means it’s an even less accessible reaction formation playing out in the collective body of humanity. If they were at least AWARE of their deranged plot, we could have some traction.”

Livia hawk-eyed her friend, not unkindly, but unwilling to look away. “Something is aware of it. We are not trifling with passing storms of individual awareness. We are tracking the messages through those storms, looking for the actual Heart of the Matter.” She watched her bird friend regain a measure of composure, an internal geo-locating to who what where and why she was in that moment. Orienting. Wonderful. Necessary. Self-aware. Livia continued, “As such, we notice the reaction formation as it occurs in our own consciousness, the only access portal we have to the Whole, and then we choose a non-complimentary response such that the message is routed cleanly to Center.”

The bird flapped out a shake that was the birdly equivalent of a cold shower. A nod to the elder. Presencing the potency of the information. Choosing its pathway.

So then, if we are to make no enemies, especially when a lavish invitation to enmity is laid at our doorstep, we will need to get creative about our actions going forward.”

That was more like it. Florence’s head cleared yet another collection of cloudmatter, and she asked, “Yes, please. What is to be done?”

Boundaries first. Make sure our own aims are undamaged. I will work on the antidote at once, distribute as soon as I know it is safe. Meanwhile, please monitor the laying birds and keep note of which eggs have been laid in the interim. We can track the efficacy this way, and we’ll know upon hatching time whether the food was dosed or not.”

Florence had her problem-solving hat back on, which she much preferred to her collective unconscious psychodrama processing hat. She asked with composure, “So as soon as we get the antidote, we’ll keep it in the diet indefinitely, yes?”

I’ll ensure that it has no harmful side-effects, dearie. Yes, we will add it to the vitamedicine blend and you will never have to worry about such things again.”

The bird nodded sagely. “Good then.”

The ladies looked at one another for a moment, allowing the sparkling dreamdust to settle. The room seemed to breathe with them. The task at hand was made clear. Florence spoke first, “So then, the new information requires a sturdy threading of Compassion to be laced into the weave, does it not?”

Indeed. Livia drew onto the screen a birdlanguage expression of emphatic assent, all UV light and moving shapes. [5]

The bird paced a bit and found the words. “So the question is, what would possess a creature to act out the very problem they are simultaneously trying to fix in others?”

Even after all the years, Livia found herself sometimes surprised by the avian creature’s aptitude for utilizing the human languages’ singular best function: Naming. She sighed her appreciation. “Yes, that is the question, dear friend.”

The bird toddled thoughtfully over the lighted letters. “Well, it’s a branch of the same sourcecode we’ve identified already. The way the Shadow moves: projection and reflection. But the unwellness in the body of Humanity can turn that perfectly useful tool into a game of dodgeball.” Flo was getting her edge back, and with it her sense of humor. “How sad. Pitiful, really. Bowling would be classier, at least.”

You are wise, Flo. Learned. Astute. Perceptive. Sadly, this hypocrisy you have discovered is just one of many. In their fear of demise, humans build panic rooms for themselves. And yet those very actions render them ever further from the safety they seek. And then further panic-numbed actions are deemed necessary. And the walls keep closing in.”

The bird felt a rush of adoration for the Benefactress in her empathic clarity, but this was no time for affectionate display. She was a colleague, not a pet. Chin up, then. Stay focused on the thread. Flo channeled her emotive rush into the threadweave, bobbing her head furiously to respond, “But.. they built the panic room for EVERYONE, not just themselves! What are we supposed to do when their walls close in on US?”

Livia stared at the screen long and hard, with the concentration of a squeaker in its first year of alphabet recognition. Finally, she wrote:

We do not always know what we do. Many people have given up on the world and are just getting by. That’s why we need messages. And messengers.”

The orange eye met the lavender one and there exchanged such a strength of motionless communication as to nearly lift the little one into the air without a flap. With a delicate feather-fluff, something like the refined fart of a librarian, Flo regained her ground and returned to the keyboard.

So tell me: what distinguishes messages from distractions? What happens if people only pay attention to what they WANT to see, only hear what they WANT to hear?”

Livia took a breath. “Well, we must remember the Body of Earth is itself truly Whole. It is doing what we call ‘healing,’ as we simply track the frayed threads repairing themselves into the weave. You know, of course, there’s something known as a critical mass. And so we keep on doing our work, practicing the practice. Flooding the undercurrents. Knowing it takes time to show up on the surface.”

Yes. So how, might we ask, does this one show up? And when? What shall we be looking for?” Florence was fielding a veritable birdstorm of internal processing as she continued the discourse, knowing that the information was being actively flown to the very center of her connection to the All-Bird. Worthy science, to continue the theatre of conversation. Worthy art, to play her part. Exhausting and exilhirating at once. A quick flight around the world and back.

Well, any mission takes time and perseverance. But it also takes flexibility, adaptability. And this mission must be responsive to the world it takes place inside.” Livia was answering the underlying question, as the current had not volunteered specific answers to the creature’s inquiries. Still, it tuned the listening ear for the upcoming latenight labwork. She continued broadening her view of the field: “So we keep going, and we listen for response, we listen for reaction, we listen for repulsion. And we listen without attachment, without resistance. And then we drop more messages. This is the way the Air has taught me to communicate in the world of form,” she paused, wondering whether more words were required in the space of translation. No matter. “This is the way you Birds have taught me.”

Florence let her neck grow tall, considering all the human words and letting their meaning be held in the psychic space she shared with her Benefactress. They could cease talking this moment and all would be made clear between them. But then, their consented ethos asked them to learn and utilize one another’s languages, for the benefit of the fabric of consciousness. [6]

Lucky for Flo, she was one to keep the code. She kept quiet, letting language mix its ingredients. By the end of the storytelling, she would have a cauldron of understanding when she flew off to her familiars, still marinating the full hearty recognition of what this story meant for Squabland.

Livia shook her head slowly. “Humans have been in a dress-rehearsal for their own doom for thousands of years. Ever since…” Her eyes took in the smoke of a faraway fire, and she was silent. For many breaths.

The beak pecked gently at the keyboard. “Ever since what?”

Livia blinked back to the present. For a moment, she met the flare of an old speciesist debate about whether it was necessary to instruct a Pigeon in the history of conquest, confusion, and consent in the countries borne of the New Roman Empire. She took immediate note of the shadow function, shaking off the habit of separation, delving into the storytelling that clearly something somewhere wished would not be told.

So, here’s the story: read what you will from it. There were once upon a time several widespread plagues in the world which devastated humankind: diseases that wiped out such a massive chunk of the population that you’d think we were going the way of the Passenger.”

Flo ruffled for a moment at the mention of her ancestry, letting the grief cough its electric current through her feathers. Livia watched the plumage settle before she went on.

Germs, like spices, fabrics, and precious metals, traveled the trade routes with explorers and colonizers alike. The systems of government in Europe were feudal at the time, instating the Rule of Law through use of a heavy-tiered hierarchy with all the money, the churches, and the armed forces stacked at the top. Violent, ruthless invasions were commonplace. Kingdoms were continuously fighting for power over more people, lands, animals, and ideas. That last one will come into play in a minute here,” she glanced at Florence’s little face, briefly wondering what was going on inside the bird brain. Flo dismissed her silent inquiry with a regal nod, as if pardoning the lecture’s lack of bird-like efficiency. Livia checked herself, recognizing that whenever she found herself speaking a lot of words, it was something she needed to hear every bit as much as it was something she needed to say.

So, in the face of the plagues, humans panicked. They scrambled. They cast about looking for anything they could pray for: answers, scapegoats, deliverance. Even their commanding top-down organization of power was impotent in the face of Nature; constant talk of the End Times pulled everything taut, thickening the tangle, entrancing the leaders. In a lot of places, the plague cut the population in half in a matter of decades.” Livia saw her bird friend shudder. Too close for comfort. The poor dear would have to fly for hours to get this all digested.

Slowly, as people tried to make sense of the matter, they found some Very Good Reasons they could really sink their teeth into. In the aftermath of the worst population drop in recorded history, the manufacturers of the collusion between Church and State made a series of decrees which were supposed to re-populate the continent called Europa. One came from an ever-fashionable anti-Semitic bent that raged in colonized culture many times over, causing the persecution and deaths of millions upon millions of ‘Those People.’ Funny, for a society obsessed with curbing rampant de-population, that it seemed appropriate to kill whole factions of the population ‘Over There,’ simply on account of its Jewish faith, or Muslim faith, or Indigenous faiths of so very many ilks. These have been common mis-judgments in humankind: that there is something different about ‘Over There,’ and that killing the carriers of an idea will actually kill the idea.” Flo caught a sharp eye once more, one that stirred someplace deep and devoted. Livia went on:

Another of the decrees, spat out by the slyly-named[7] Pope Innocent the Eighth, specifically ordered for the accusation and punishment of midwives for their knowledge and implementation of contraceptive methods. Worth noting: in the decree, they were not called ‘midwives,’ but ‘witches.’ And thus began a church-sanctioned, state-sponsored witch-hunt that justified the torture and murder of millions of people. Most of these people were herbal medicinalists who carried the knowledge of contraception and practiced women’s medicine. Some of these people were merely caught up with the ‘wrong’ crowds, those who openly enjoyed pleasures of the flesh, those who refused to conform, those who spoke without fear. Thus natural methods of contraception and family planning went by the wayside, not only because of the deaths of practitioners, but because of the superstitions planted in the culture, enforced by the Rule of Law. The ‘re-population’ decrees were simply a few examples of the extensive measures our kind has employed in order to avert fear of Extinction. The result, ironically, was a population bulge that made possible ambitious wars of conquest and expansion of empire. So,” Livia paused to release a breath big enough to feed a whole field of rue. “As you see, in the process of flailing to save ourselves, we humans destroy ourselves. In an attempt to have control, we kill of parts of ourselves and extinguish our connection with thousands of years’ worth of experience and collaboration in the divine practice of communicating with Nature. All for what? To get back to where the trouble started. Here we are, still: human idea-machines, trying madly to control Nature and avoid Apocalypse.”

Flo looked mesmerized. Human storytelling was syllabically dense and texturally mindboggling. The way the bird community told stories was much more compressed, much more rhythmic. She was used to the multi-layered meaning delivered in the tone of a single tweet [8]. Word-processing at lightning speeds inside, the bird toddled back and forth on her legs, wondering what letters to peck at. Luckily, Livia continued, saving her the trouble.

So. You are correct in your estimation of my species. We have much to learn, and we have spent many generations severing the threads by which we can learn it.”

Flo took her time. She seemed to be pecking up a tough bit of grain, so focused and determined was her demeanor. Finally the screen showed her question, “What in the world are they dosing us with, then? How did contraceptives manage to get into the birdfeed?”

Livia stared at the words for a moment with a small smile. Oh yes, the matter at hand. “Well, my dear, we did manage to maintain contraceptive practices, despite the ongoing demonization. Birth control has been practiced the world over for as long as written records can reach. IUDs were fashioned first for camels & goats on long journeys. But humans are rather creative, so the list goes on. Diaphrams made from lemon halves or goat’s bladder, or cabbage and willow leaves, suppositories made from cocoa butter and quinine sulfate, acacia tree extract with honey, oil of cedar and lead ointment, frankincense and olive oil, peppermint oil and soft wool; physical endeavors like sneezing or holding the breath during ejaculation, coitus interruptus—”

Coitus interruptus?” Flo interrupted. Cheeky bird.

Yes, dear, thank you. Also post-coital herbal remedies of ginger, vitamin C, pennyroyal, blue cohosh, angelica, rue, and of course modern-day diaphragms, sponges, spermacides, condoms, and the quite popular pharmaceutical options like the Pill, the Patch, the Ring[9].”

Flo was standing stock still, aiming the laser beam of an orange eye at the white-feathered crone. Livia cut to the chase.

So, you must wonder how this can be. How we have so many options for reducing our own population while it continues to swell to a never-before-seen magnitude. How we stoop to the great hypocrisy of trying to control populations of other species, without consent, while taking up more space than is our right. How we feel we should have any say whatsoever against the proliferation of another’s kind.”

Flo bobbed her head. Yes, Livia. The point. Let’s have it.

Well. It’s simple, really. Our cultural structures have not yet outgrown the residual paranoia of the past. Colonization and its traumas have kept many people thinking we should try to control others. And so we haven’t finished re-writing the rules of the present to reflect a comprehension and respect for the divinity of individual consent of all beings in the inseparable wholeness of collective consciousness.”

Simple.

Really.

At that, the storyweave reached its maximum threadcount for the moment. Both human and bird recognized it immediately. Florence took two hops toward the window, which flung itself open in that moment. Livia nodded and threw the colorshapesounds of resounding gratitude upon the wall as her friend took off into the night.

Well. That was it, then. There was much work to tend. The Communiputor politely offered a warm mug of rooty tea, unconcealed from the cupboard closest to Livia. She smiled at the scent of it, accepted with a squeeze of appreciation upon the hanging vine, and made her way back into the lab for a good night of learning.

 

1. Useful perspective upgrade: “Pigeon FOV is around 340-degrees horizontal and about the same 135-vertical degrees as humans, but their vertical field is even more asymmetrically oriented toward the ground.” For further reading, here’s a door.

2. This was all Art, a theatrical spectacle for the frontal lobe, of course; the accuracy of instantaneous comprehension known in english as “ESP” was their primary mode of communication. However, in compassion to the eukaryote bodily code upgrades, and therefore as an offering to the temple of the flesh, they slowed it down like this so as to be more readily metabolized by others. Pay it forward, like. Encode it into the Stone, keep it safe for Later.

3. Quiverfull. In case you’re not in the know: it’s rather Quivery.

 4. Meanwhile, in Birdland… there be tides to turn.

5. It’s respectful to sometimes bow to another’s superior language formations. “The Inuit have a word for it…” and suchlike.

 6. A quickview of the lightning storm of immediacy grokking in the mind of the Pigeon known as Flo: The english language is so cumbersome and unnecessary, and yet, once developing a basic facility with it, one can truly appreciate its simple precision and artistry. Storytelling has its place. There is kindness beneath the business of words, however saddled with with a strange type of seeking that the rest of the animal world finds curious and slightly overbearing. What are you seeking?  we would like to ask. It’s already right there. Always. Everywhere. You can’t actually escape what you are seeking. Stop seeking, and there you have it. But the aeons-deep code of conduct between us (even though the humans have generally been trashing such codes for centuries) keeps the rest of animalia from stating the obvious. Let them find their way.

7. I’d say Obvious Troll is obvious.

8. Ah, the learning curve of How To Properly Tweet. So steep. Keep working on it, bipeds. Protip: never tweet in all caps. Such a thing is no longer a tweet but a squawk, and it ought to be moved to a Squawker app, for organizational purposes at the very least.

9. Not to mention the Lord, the Fellowship.

The Blue Scare

So: the pigeons were turning blue. Bit by bit, under the feathers, their dandruff came in sky blue, cerulean, and light turquoise. It was cause for concern among the leaders.

What is the meaning of this?” asked Barb, a Barb Pigeon nervously bobble-heading back and forth on the shit-splattered wooden slab holding up the multicolored ceiling beams of Livia’s tower. [1]

We’re done for,” squawked Harvey, an excitable red-crested Helmet. “They’ve poisoned us. We’re finally succumbing to this hateful country’s Winged Rat Ostracization Network of Greed!” [2]

You made that up. Harvey. Get a handle, man. Jesus. Paranoia strikes deep.” Karl was perched up against the little nook where rafter meets ceiling, his head turned fully sideways so he could give Harvey the square dead-eye of unflappable derision. A sturdy racing Homer from Detroit and usually a rather light-hearted dude, Karl was clearly suffering from the bluing as much as the others; he just had more pride than to get all twitterpated in front of the flock.

Maybe we’re spending too much time with the Chicago crowd, and we’re being adapted into more appropriate inner-city accessories. Chicago does have that effect on people, making the players props to its own story rather than the other way around.” Florence, as usual, spoke smoothly enough to get the attention of the whole wobbling, bobbling bunch. “But Harvey does have a point, you know. And it’s mission-specific… It may be an alarm signal asking our immediate attention.”

They turned to her, horror-movie slow, and stood stock still waiting for more information. Dramatic silence witnessed the ticking of an absent clock, the creaking of the wind through the flaking wood slats, a few scaly legs lifted in anticipation. Heads turned and cocked to the side. A lone drop of poo sounded its release to the ground.

Florence flapped twice to alight, settling gracefully on a leaning shovel handle in the middle of the dusty tower.

A bit about Flo: she was a notoriously favored and learned Homer; her parents were first generation Dragoon and English Carrier, so she prided herself in not only speed & accuracy, but culture & storykeeping. Being one of the more socially courageous hens in Greater Passeriform Squabland, she tended to catch newspaper articles with regularity as she ate from the hand of a favorite park-going lunatic. She headed up the Global Open-source Book-free Birdland Library such that the ancient story of Bird was well woven with the modern weft of Messenger, in the name of evolution [3]. She also, most importantly, had on-call, first-hand access to one Livia Columbia. Now, in the dim wooden turret, taking her time, looking from orange button eye to orange button eye, she continued as a kindergarten teacher addresses a captive audience of crosslegged reverence:

You see, the humans have indeed been busy ‘fixing’ their problems lately. Instead of tracing the issues to where the real problems lie, they’ve been letting their distracted complaints and trembling rumfingers drive the whole damn train. As a result, they are spraying toxins in perfectly lovely meadows in efforts to kill any potential psychotropic plant forms; they are pouring curdled radioactive leftovers into nice, clean lakewater; they are growing corn that tastes like vanilla and bubblegum and swiss cheese.”

Captivating as it was, Karl needed her to get to the point. “You’re right. We know. But what’s it got to do with all this blue business?”

Flo swept her wings wide, raising her coo to a shrill pitch. “You remember the Great Vermin Poison of the last decade? Well, they seem to have upgraded the formula, and there’s a new poison spreading through normal grains undetected!”

There was a general outburst. Squawks and fluff filled the air. How was this possible? Who spiked the food supply? What does it look like? Wait, Livia wouldn’t let that happen! How did she not forsee this? Maybe she got in some kind of trouble. Maybe someone blackmailed her. Who let the cat out of the bag? Cat?!!?!

Questions like this don’t help forge understanding, but they must be expelled in some way before honest investigation can begin. In birdland, it often takes the form of a swoop through the sky, a figure-eight of birdbrain out-winging the thinking mind. [4] But they were inside, so it moved rather more like the rabble through a roused human crowd.

Expulsion was wise. Investigation was indeed necessary. Florence was so good at assuming authority, in times of stress it was common to forget that she might be mistaken. As many humanfolk know, blindly-followed leaders are most susceptible to delivering societies to the brink of insanity.

For the most part, the uppity English hen was right. The humans were doing a lot of unwise things. They had done all those things she named and much, much more. There was indeed a history of humans poisoning the gentle species with 4-aminopyridine, DRC-1339, booze-soaked grains, and much, much more [5]. There was indeed some foul play at fault in Wilhelm’s mysterious death. However, monocular vision was blinding the brood to one important fact: there was no bad guy spreading the Blue Plague.

Protein. The humans were obsessed with Protein. So much so, they had genetically modified normal grains to contain large doses of it. And, strangely enough, too much protein makes the pigeon go blue.

Florence, know-it-all as she was, did not know this at all.

So, the bird tower of Livia S. Colombia’s homestead was lit up with the roused rabble of some three hundred pissed-off, paranoid, panicky pigeons.

Not a good way to start the day. The old lady would surely earn her stripes for this one. A few in the bank for next season, perhaps. A little vacation in Fiji. A new cable-knit sweater from the sisters with the Alpaca herd up North. An extra few bottles of pinking for her handsome white shock of head-fluff.

As usual when the sun peeked over the first silvered treelimbs, Livia opened the heavy door to the tower, bucket of feed in one hand, bucket of water in the other. [6]

 

cheekee cheekee chip chip chip coo coo coooooo coo coooooup

 

Despite their obviously rankled state, many of the birds instinctively flew down to the grandmotherly form as she distributed the day’s rations in the wide troughs. When Livia stooped to freshen the water in their poop-frosted tins, only then did the winged population hear Florence’s hissed commands.

Don’t eat the food, fools! What were we just talking about? Even Livia’s food can’t be trusted until we know more! You are going to be bluebirds by sundown, and is that what you want?!

Slowly, surely, one by one, the squabbish little eyes blinked and the beaks raised up from the possibility of contamination. Feathers ruffled self-consciously, making an awkward little picture around the woman’s crouched form: staring birds, every third one or so fluffed up like the tiny grey pom-pom of a zombie punk cheer squad.

Livia, an instrument quite intricately tuned to the subtle notes of birdland, had picked up on the strange energetic charge in the flock before she’d even poured the contents of her coffee can. Her fierce love of the bird family was predicated upon great mutual respect, so she was quite aware when it was flagging.

She now took ample time finishing her task with the water, wiping her small knotty hands on her overalls, and standing her fully erect perch height of 4’11 [7]. She silently looked from eye to eye through the bird squadrons. When her lavender-silver eyes came to rest on the knotted beak of Florence herself, Livia raised an eyebrow, took a deep breath to the soles of her talonless feet, and bellowed out: “Allright, WHAT?!

 

**

1. Affectionately referred to as the Coup Coop. Among the locals. Local Pigeons, that is.
2. WRONG.
3. More on GPS and GOBBL when we get to the downlow on the PLPL and the AEAE. Topsecret bird shit. Wait for it.
4. Reptilian brain: efficient.
5. If you’ve not looked into it recently… Terrible. Terrible. And: notably terrible. (That last one may be only joke-terrible. Art. Who can really tell these days?)
6. Before enlightenment: toss grains, carry water.
7. …which, worth noting, is about ten times the average height in the avian community .

Skin

Squawk! Tis a wall, not a door. Please kindly go to the door with your member name & key. (Log in. Rules, Walter.)

Training

Did you know there are silkworms that can build a shirt in one piece?”

Why would they do that?” Marma was making the face.

Because they’re artists! They can do whatever they want.” That seemed to suffice. Morning Glory continued, “But that’s not the point. The point, dude. Silk.”

The point is that silkworms can make whatever they want? Into silk.”

Right. So they could make anything, anything we make right now in itchy polyester and shitty cotton.” Glory felt the usual internal glee that came with letting out a Mature word. Her glee was immediately doused:

What do you have that’s polyester?”

You know what I mean. The point, for real is: they’re smarter than us. Don’t you see? They can make something with their bodies–” she paused and inhaled dramatically, used the Bug-Eyed Serious face and said “–they can make something with their bodies, that we cannot make. There are creatures that make silk, Marma! And honey. And webs. And houses–”

My dad makes houses!”

MARMA! Not my point! Does he cut the wood with his teeth?”

Marma stared up into the space between her eyebrows. For a bit too long. Finally: “No. But that would be weird.”

You see. Exactly. And it’d be weird if I could weave a sparkly web with long sticky threads coming outta my butt! Dancing in some kinda aerial math-and-gravity-enthusiast’s dream–“

I have that dream, Glory. I’m an enthusiast.”

Marma!” Morning Glory almost cried. She could not fathom why, but she was spiritually serious right now in a way that required acknowledgement, and Marma did not seem to be catching on. She sat for a moment fuming in the timespace marathon that language required, trying not to be disappointed that ESP was not more openly accepted as valid communication, when suddenly Marma broke her sulk:

Glory. You know what would be great? Being silked into a warm tube.” She looked so dreamy that MG burst out a giggle. Marma turned with undaunted solemnity in her direction. “By the silkworms.”

Glory thought for a moment. Then her eyes slowly lit into Marma’s with joy. “YES.” Marma totally got it. She wanted to find out, too. MG beamed a white rabbit of light straight into the holes of Marma’s irises, watched the bunny tail disappear, then looked both ways and leapt into the open tunnel.

Yes. We have to learn! Let’s learn from them. So then we can come out new like the butterflies and moths do. So we can bust outta crackly back skin like cicadas & creepy silverfish. So we can evolve, Marma. On purpose.” She’d dropped her voice, spinning a little wind storm with her words. Leaves swirled wildly by the tree where they crouched, exactly when Glory inhaled. Marma noticed silently. Marma noticed everything. “And Marms: you start by learning how to hold very still for a long time. So you can hear how they do what they do. They’ll tell you…” Glory was glowing, practicing holding very still already, “If you hold very still.”

Marma nodded. “I’m good at that.”

Glory snorted, shoving her friend with one paw. “No you’re not! You’re awful.” Marma gaped. She had been serious. No matter. “But so am I!” laughed Glory. “Terrible. No good at all, really. We have to train. Seriously. Like ninjas.”

Marma shook her head. “Like Sikhs. Ninjas move around a whole lot.”

Oh, you’re right. Okay. Let’s start. Our first training… Can’t be silkworms, cause we don’t know any.”

Marma was taking out a notebook and pen. Good, MG thought, we’re on board. Worth documenting, like all good adventures. It’s official. She closed her eyes for a moment, relishing the drumroll of anticipation. Wait for it.[1]  She inhaled deeply and spoke through fluttering eyelids:

We go lay in the grass next recess and let the ants crawl on us.”

There was a pause. A long pause. A long, pregnant pause. Glory wondered if Marma was breathing. She opened her eyes. Marma was staring at something invisible, inches from her face. Glory tried to get in the shot. She blinked a lot and raised her eyebrows, trying to make obscenicons squiggle from her face. Marma didn’t notice, but as soon as MG gave up, there was a joyful squeal from inside the far-off reverie. Morning Glory knew that noise. Marma was in.

Yes! Glory. Let’s do this. We’re going to get so good.”

Yaaaaasssss!” MG kicked her legs. Marma’s choices were always a good surprise either way they came out. Worth the wait.

Another good surprise: the bell rang just then, shepherding the two inside with the rest of the sheep-training crew, but therefore pressing pause on exactly that moment in time, destining them to think about it for another couple of hours before actually lying down in the ants.

By the time they were getting on the bus that afternoon, they were buzzing with chatter, planning for the next experiments. They had laid on the grass playing Anthill for at least 30 minutes in all, separated only by giggles and classes. It was exhilirating. Terrifying. Tempting. There were so many more ways to play this game. Perching cross-legged in the bus seat, Marma was saying,

So I think silkworms take like 3 or 4 days to finish. And they would cost money to have as pets. So we have to work out in a step-wise function toward that goal.” Marma was so good at these things. She relished showing it. A real silkworm in her trade. [2] “So we need to try for a whole hour next time. Then two.”

Yeah, I think so too. But with something else. Not ants again. Something…” Glory frowned. “More like silk. Actual silk. But we don’t have much of it at my house. Hmm. Oh! Marma! Do you have any duct tape?”

We have tons of duct tape. Tons.” Marma twiddled her fingers. “You know who my mom is? Tons.”

Sweet. Well good thing it’s my night to come over. Dad’s gonna pick me up after bedtime. Let’s do this, Secret Ninja Marmalade.”

Shh! Don’t call me that!”

It sounds really good with ‘Secret Ninja’ before it. Don’t you think?”

Well, yeah. But you can’t say that in public.[3] Every single one of those words is secret. We have to be more careful now.”

Glory was dumbstruck for a moment. “You’re right, you’re right. What was I thinking.” She shook her head disapprovingly, then brightened. “Whoa, see? This is really good training! Those ants, Marma. Those ants worked miracles already.”

Marma grinned. “Good at what they do.”

You said it.” She plucked one off Marma’s hairline and put it on the windowsill. Its tiny antennae waved just moments before it was sucked out into the autumn breeze. “Hope it’s okay!” Glory whipped her head out the window after it.

Don’t worry,” Marma chortled. “It’s a ninja.”

The two little birds exploded into twitters, which progressed into frenzied belly laughs, which continued until they descended down the bus stairs toward the Vouvray residence.

It was going to be a good night.

 

**

1. Antici………..

2. Her trade being patterning and organizing things. Any things. All things.

3. For clarification: Marma would allow very few humans to use her full name, for reasons that made perfect sense in her cosmology. For a taste of said cosmology, that of a future-master-patterner: Marmalade Camembert Vouvray has the initials MCV, which according to the Romans stands for 1105, which, numerologically reduced in conjunction with the Major Arcana of the Tarot, equals the Chariot: meditation of total commitment, the internal stillness required for fruitful motion. (High math: Lust + Fool + Hierophant = Chariot… or Magus + Fortune + Hierophant = Chariot… or 2 Magi, a Fool, and Hiero = Fucken Chariot any way you slice it.) This concludes your glimpse into the invisible Doozer crew of Marma’s inner workings.

Optical Windowperch

Common knowledge for birds: good news and bad news are of equal value. The messages of each are equivalent in veracity, bioavailability, lunacy. They weigh the same [1]. They take the same amount of time to deliver. They drop at the same rate.

And yet, the patterns of their reception seem utterly disparate. One often lands in unmasked wonder, unintentional laughter, a firm grasp of allegiance, a swoop of purposed action. The other tends to be suspiciously fingered and warily hidden, scattered about in a flighty flail, leashed to some kind of blame, gulped like some kind of poison.

What birds know: the distinction between medicine and poison is much more about dosage and application, much less about substance. Chemicals are chemicals. Cyanide sitting around being cyanide is not inherently poisonous. The act of ingesting it, whether by mouth or skin, that act can bring out its poisonous nature. But then poison is a verb, not a noun. Like most things, actually. Birds know this. Everything in Nature is actually a verb.[2]

With this understanding, colors themselves can be experienced as… experiences. One thing may be “blue” to those whose vision processes the experience of “blue.” But to those without receptors for “blue,” the experience of the very same thing will occur as a variant of something called “grey.” This may be of no consequence to the blue, the eye, or the grey… unless the experience of “blue” is meant to deliver a particular message.

As long as we’re interested in message reception, it’s worth inquiring: does the mind of the receiver have any control over what is perceived, “blue” or “grey” or anything else?

In human cultures, most often if the message is considered “good news,” then the mind’s eye would strive to experience “blue,” even if it did not have the wiring for it. It might even pretend to see blue, committing to a lifelong identity of One Who Sees Blue, come hell or high water. If the message of blue is considered “bad news,” however, the same eye-mind would most often strive to keep “grey” in its awareness, no matter how many descriptions of “blue” it might receive. [3]

This is a good recipe for skewed perception, perception bound & defined by the storytelling of unconscious loyalties. Such loyalties are rife with unprocessed attachments. Attachments are susceptible to surreptitious reproduction of Shadows. None of this a good recipe for proper, stable, unfettered telecommunications, much less a psychosomatic inter-species dialectic regarding the viability of Earthen existence.

Pause. Blink a few times. Wash the soul-windows. There ya go. Now, clear:

It’s not “good” to experience “blue” and it’s not “bad” to experience “grey.” Nor vice versa, nor any combination thereof [4]. It is, however, necessary to engage with an experience once it’s brought to the central nervous system. Birds know this, instinctively. All birds. And, sometimes, we need one another to help tighten up the neural circuitry. All of us.

This is why the Owl’s message got through.

And this is how:

Since the inception of the Pro-Life Pigeon League’s Advanced Evolutionary Applied Epigenetics initiative (PLPL AEAE, in birdly short-hand), liaison birds had been meeting with leaders of other flocks, gathering intel from other species among their avian kin. This particular meeting with this particular liaison brought some new shit to light. Light of the basic visual spectrum, that is.

You’re blue.”

What? Excuse me?” Florence was caught off-guard, unsure if they were about to drop into existential self-reflection or emotional navigation. The former, turns out. [5]

“You’re blue! Blue, blue, blue! You’re snowing blue dandruff all over my good bark floor right now!”

Cue instinctive puffing of feathers, if not in somatic reaction to the winter weather reference, then surely in response to the cold sting of being called out. Spotlit ignorance. Unsettling. Unnerving. Ugly. Cue more blue snow. Knowledge that could not be un-known.

Ishmael was not the usual liaison from the local Crow flock; however, since Crows reserve the right to do exactly as they please, there was no “usual liaison” per se. There was “today’s liaison” and sometimes “today’s several liaisons” but the Crow family was uninterested in being predictable. Ishmael, notably, was an albino, and so rather easy to pick out from the rest.

Look, I was given explicit instructions to tell you straight-up. We’d been cawing about it for weeks, but the Owl interrupted our good time and gave us a direct imperative to inform you. Said you didn’t know, couldn’t see yourselves clearly what with all the fancy advancements y’all are tinkering with.”

Florence couldn’t keep track of which part to ruffle at first, so she twitched oddly and kept her manner calm. “I’m not sure I understand your meaning, Ishmael. Forgive me. You spoke with the Owl?”

Owl specifically came to us, probably because we were being loud about it.” Ishmael was doing a syncopated strut-peck as he spoke, giving an air of nonchalance to the message, counter-balancing Florence’s obvious concern. “So she sent me to tell you. Specifically. Undercover like.”

While this was an impromptu meeting, several days sooner than their usual bec-à-bec with the Crow folks, Florence had not understood it to be an emergency. Nor undercover. She looked around at the perch, stationed on a high broad arm of a generous Oak. There was little autumn foliage left, and they could see 360◦ around them. Several animals were busy in the surrounding Birches & Pines. Many birds wheeled past as they spoke. Florence couldn’t help but squawk, “But… but.. beg your pardon, you’re white as snow! How exactly are we undercover?”

Yeah. That’s your situation. Get it? You’re blue, and flaky, and it’s obvious to others but you can’t see it yourself. That’s how the thing is. And that’s why they sent me. Theatre.

Although Florence was many years devoted to the practice of Honoring the Message, she was also structured with a deeply-ingrained pride which added static to what seemed a very simple bit of information from a trustworthy source. Rather than just looking down at herself, examining the veracity, she tried to apply logic to the conversation. “Why, may I ask, did Owl not bring word to us herself? We have long expressed interest in respectful relations, and we would be honored to receive insight from her venerable perspective.”

Ishmael cackled like a grackle, then sped up the strut-peck dance one notch, for fun. “Oh it’d be venerable insight from the Owl, would it? But it’s suspicious nonsense from ole whitey, yeah? You forgetting your messenger birdcodes, Floseph? Honor the message. Don’t diss the messenger.”

Notably knocked back down a peg, Florence shook her head a good few times and toddled around on the perch a bit to reharmonize with her winged brethren. “My apologies, Ishmael. My mistake, of course.”

Ishmael cawed several times into the air. Then he set his fluorescent red eye upon her. “Save your politesse, Flo. I’m not the Owl’s brand ambassador.” He cackled again and strutted on. “I will tell you why though, if you wanna know: Owls don’t fraternize. Certainly not with day-birds. Crows can get into any club. Always been like that.”

Ah. Of course.” Florence kept pace with the strut-peck, up and down the branch. She was beginning to feel the actual implications of the message, and they felt like a deep concern for all of Squabland. “So, if I properly receive the message: you’re telling me that we, all of us, are actually turning… well… blue?”

BLUE.”

And you think we can’t see this ourselves because…”

Look, we Crows are in the Know with all the things. We hear your lofty goal-swoops and we grok your evolutionary glory gospel and we see your high-tech UV lightshow upgrades [6]. We also see, under all that, your actual birdskin is turning shades of blue. And the Owl, in her kindness, made us tell you. So here I am.”

Right. And I understand they sent you, specifically, because…”

Because I’m obvious. Sometimes you gotta state the obvious. Everything else can be all couched in saturated metaphor, so far in that the whole thing becomes a sponge & you gotta put it out to sea [7]. Not everyone wants to do that much work all the time to wring out meaning.”

You underestimate the Rockdove work ethic!”

No, I properly estimate the processing speed of your grey matter, compound that with my somatic sense of the molecular field which is very slowly exchanging between us, contrast that to the amount of time I feel like waiting around for the lightbulbs to flicker on, and I make my choices.” A lightbulb flickered erratically in the Homer. “Exactly. So they sent me, to deliver the hidden message in its most memorably obvious costume. You’re welcome.”

Florence blinked. Then she finally, awkwardly, humbly, bent her beak under one wing and tousled out some feathers so she could see the evidence. And there it was. Her skin, indeed, was rather lazuline.

Ice-blue stars twinkling on a silent, frosted night, made of your very flesh and yet made even more brilliant to me by the crisp inky void of your ignorance. It’s right there in plain sight, Flomie. You’re blue.”

Thank you, Ishmael. I see.”

Yeah. Now you do.”

 

-**

1. Well, as far as Gravity is concerned. Remember there are always variables.
2. Proper homage to teachers & elders. Feel free to put this book down, read this one, then return.
3. Now, this can get real complicated when there is an back-alley deal in which only bad news is deemed Correct, therefore earning value as meta-good news while retaining its outward status as terrible, shitty, awfully bad news. See also: unexamined pessimism, smug cynicism, luxurious complaining, diehard apokalyptos, and the oh-so-popular Fuck Everything t-shirt.
4. In fact, “Toasted Periwinkle Fog” is making a comeback in this season’s catalogs!
5. With a fair smattering of the latter.
6. F’real.
7. …after which the sea sponge can be harvested & used for a natural, bleach-free tampon, where it will learn a lot. Some metaphors go feral once released. Do take note in your quest for meaning; it is found within.

War is Over

{Excerpt #7, journal of a sacred whore.}

The convent where I grew up in Sussex was of the Discalced Carmelite Order number 11 [1]. In addition to raising me with the vital minerals and vitamins of curiosity, feminism, and laughter, the Sisters passed on an underground esoteric teaching, when they deemed it was time for my illumination. Within the OCDXI exists a secret historical lineage only allowed to be transmitted orally so as to secure and obscure the location of the written gospels that give witness to this history. I’ll not disgrace the sanctity of the Order by giving pen to any part of those teachings, not here nor anywhere. I’ll simply name that they pointed me rightly in the direction by which I became initiate of Magdalene. You’ll not find accurate material published on any of these, for none was ever put to papyrus nor pixel and none shall be.

What I can inlay into ink & paper, however, is relevant to the healing process of my current clientelle. These teachings are shared amongst obscure sects of practicing Carmelites, held sacred in the ethics of the OCD. While largely unpublicized and therefore widely misunderstood, they are not secreted in the manner of those gospels guarded by OCDXI, so they remain sacrosanct when discussed plainly. And they were the first given to me by the Sisters who raised me, offering the utmost compassion to weave into the world of my early childhood.

I speak of the one widely known as the Virgin Mother.

One interesting thing about the Virgin Birth narrative is that it focuses so completely on paternal parentage. Almost as if the foundations of patriarchy were already set, already heavily invested in writing the story, no?

As such, they were highly obsessed with naming the paternal parentage of said savior, as if the Mother’s blood which flowed within were of no consequence. The practice of naming paternity as the deciding factor of lineage, that was of a patriarchal order concerned with passing property and titles down to the male heirs. Noted: at the time, it was legal practice to stone a woman who conceived out of wedlock. Execution was punishment for rape, for adultery, for incest, all treated the same. Recognize: the violence was to protect the paternal lineage and therefore property rights & titles passed down in a patriarchal political order. Indeed. And that order had in its conditioning a belief system in which a woman was “possessed” by the father, as if taken, occupied, conquered, by the seed of the masculine participant in procreation [2]. That whole nonsense, utterly engulfed in rape culture, was an idea of woman as receptacle, in a terror borne of rape used as a weapon of warfare.

That Jesus had the blood of the Mother running in his veins, this makes for a very different cosmology and a very different narrative of what the fuck went down there.

If you will set aside, for a just moment, the question of consensual conception (I know, you’re surprised I’m willing to do this, but stay with me here:) then you still have the ongoing consent required for Mary to actually carry that fetus to term. And I don’t just mean rational, intellectual agreement, or egoic willingness. I am specifically pointing out the embodied consciousness required to incubate a creature in the Womb [3]. It requires the physical molecules of the ever-renewing Body of Nature to continually re-affirm and resource the growing fetus. It could change its Mind at any moment. And, in this case, this version of Consent has gone highly underestimated for a long time: the value of participation of the pregnant Mother. Fed directly by what is Earth.

So it follows that the patriarchal narrative deeply discounted the fact that this Child was made as equally of its Mother as it was of its Father. You know, like all creatures born of conception, immaculate or otherwise. For all the lofty, highbrow, cerebral deification of the paternity of that One, we can recognize the simple fact, even in the mythos of the neochristian bible, that the Virgin Mother carried that child to term. Which means she fed it with her Body. Her Breath. Her Choice.

Jesus is as much a result of “immaculate” insemination as he is of a woman’s holy earthen right to choose. [4]

And so, if we’re willing to undo the spell of patriarchy, we are also willing to see Mary’s gifts as they actually were, rather than how that marketing campaign has painted them. Which is to say, her choices made possible an experience of the Divine in human form. But not because she was overtaken by some holy coercion. Because she fucking chose to have that child. As she could have legitimately, and divinely, chosen not to.

And. Her choice was as much about self-preservation as it was about devotion. Both of those, to be sure, are expressions of Love. Read: her willingness to carry that child to term was an act of courage & resolve. A testament to her own faith, as well as to the support systems she had in place. Midwives, sisters, friends, communities of women practicing red-tent level sacred rites: they gave her support, and it honored the Choice she made.

And. Unlike the modern re-interpretations: that Mother, as earthen embodied Love, retained sovereignty over her sexual Nature. Her fertility. Her experience of pregnancy and birth. Her lineage.

So. In the devoted, compassionate tutelage of a circle of Sisters of the OCDXI, it was made clear to me by the time I came of age: your sexuality, humanborn soul, is about more than procreation. It is an expression of divinity incarnate, a temple where you get to practice the holysacred rite of Choice.

True to their devotion, the Sisters taught me honesty from day one. And they were truthful with me about my own origins; they told me everything they knew about my own Mother and her Choices.

My Mother came to the convent five months pregnant, multiply traumatized by an unsuccessful abortion, an unwanted pregnancy, and the rape that implanted the almost-aborted, i.e. “me.” The rapist was never found—some frat party drunks used my mother as a receptacle for their disowned Shame. She told the Sisters very little about what happened, and the little she told them was full of holes. She had been to a party. She was walking home late. There were three males behind her. They whacked her head. Broken bottles. No one else around. She went to the police. But this was the 70s. They didn’t help at all. They gave her some bandages for the welt on her head, told her she was drunk. She told the Sisters that she wound up hating those officers even more than the rapists, whom she never saw again but whom she saw conjured into every male face.

The Sisters told me my Mother had always been an extremely intelligent, gentle, adventuresome, and dreamy young lady. She had been coming to study with the Carmelites steadily for a few years, having finally ventured out beyond the traditions set by her strict widower father, an Italian immigrant with whom she loyally attended daily Mass, even after she left for college. As a teenager, she was always bringing interesting little bird-like questions to the Sisters (“What happened to the book of Mary? And Martha?” “Who translated Leviticus and why has no one added a cultural disclaimer?” “Do you know where Jesus went during the years that he’s missing from the Bible?” “If wasting seed is a sin, should I stop eating sunflower seeds? I really like them. What if I plant just as many sunflowers as I eat?”) Her irrepressible curiosity and honest nature were growing her into an intelligent, contemplative adult. And then—poof!—one day everything changed.

This was true for my mother, this irrevocable change, and it has been so for many, many, many human beings before and since.

My mother killed herself in the convent just three nights into my life.

Much as I didn’t understand and don’t still, I understand this.

I grew up wanting to kill those rapists whose souls the Sisters prayed for, kill them all, kill every last one; the whole convent recognized this and raised me according to their principles of mercy, hope, unconditional forgiveness, and everlasting love. The way I saw it as a child, they had total faith, complete and utter unwavering faith, and it hadn’t saved my mother: not from rape nor from death. In the belief system they honored, my mother’s free spirit was imprisoned in purgatory while the rapists were free to roam the Earth in a hell of their own making, free to share that hell with any of us at any time. I failed to see the eschatological justice in this.

Faith had not yet provided a world in which these things didn’t happen; this the Sisters acknowledged. The closest thing they could do was raise its child and raise me right. They were clear on one thing: the convent was given this child so that they could contribute to the healing of suffering. Jesus was One Child, they said. And so was I. So they let me be who I was, let me talk the confessional right foggy with homicidal ideation, let me hold the reality of horrible injustice and distressing imbalance, let me find my way into myself from the ugly turmoil of my origins.

Looking back, I suppose they had their way. I haven’t killed a single rapist, to my knowledge. But I have killed what makes them rapists. I have killed rape. I’ve gotten my hands round it, looked it in its flinching eye, and wrung its neck, many times over. Smiling. And I will kill it over and over, I will hold its funeral services over and over, I will celebrate its passing over and over and over. The world that is rising out of post-patriarchal-paralysis will not know of this thing we’ve come to call “rape.” The new era will have no such word, conceive of no such action. The future is made of Consent, which is created in the Liberation of every single element of the living body of Earth.

Everything we do to another, we do to ourselves. Those who do not hate themselves do not commit acts of hatred to another.

Simple, it seems. But twisted, and treacherous. Human beings have become insane with our writhing and flailing and dodging the Truth of our Presence. We wail to know the Divine but we won’t answer the door when It calls on us, won’t adore Its etchings on the canvass of our skin, won’t take the time to paint Its portrait. Neurotic flock we are, scrambling in self-righteous circles when we’ve got God in all directions, God in the lungs and gills, God in the hot and cold, God in the waking and the dreaming.

So, being of and with the world’s era, I grew up with many of the same hidden challenges, the same typical drawbacks conditioned in colonized infrastructure. Even as I began to garner the blessing of knowing where I was going and what I was creating, I still lacked insight about the next stepping stone. As happens quite often, I knew where I wanted to go; what I didn’t yet know was how to get there. By the time that I left for University, I set about getting to the next step by asking a lot of questions upon the step where I stood. Who exactly are all these rapists and what are they actually thinking? What do they eat, where do they shit, what do their faces look like when they’re sleeping? What is the state of the world in which we live if there are people who get their rocks off specifically on taking something that is not given? What creates this malfunction, and what could I do to destroy it?

What happens when the thermostat of the culture is set to almost a full hundred degrees, the same temperature as our holysacred bodies, but the rules those bodies are asked to uphold include keeping butter from melting and keeping the sheets from staining? What happens when our lofty intellectual and spiritual pursuits leave no space and give no mention to the Sacred Animal Nature of Sexuality? What happens when the outright repression of sexual motivations is so well-explained as to be made superior to that “defeat,” that “giving in to the flesh” that is called a sin by pope and politician alike? What if that “sin” is then sensationalized into a dissociative ego trip that always misses the mark no matter how many times the bull’s eye is whacked? What if the body of consciousness is over-analyzed and under-loved, over-sexed and under-touched, over-easy and under-done? What happens then?

People begin to confuse “want” and “need,” going crazy with an internal battle and an impossible barricade. And we lose touch with ourselves. And we give up. And we go on killing sprees, whether inside or outside of our sovereign bodies.

My mother was a casualty of the sex war. I will not be. My mother was a casualty of sexual violence, and she was not the only one. As a living being sharing the blood of my mother and the blood of a rapist, I choose to end this war. In the name of the Mother’s holy right to Choose, I choose this.

Genetic marvel stepping beyond the given roles of Attacker and Victim, I am mutating the gene pool. At my confessional, the conversation does not end with Wrong and Wronged. This religion is ancient, resurrected, and open for business. Separation is not employed here as a tool of penitence, avoidance, or convenience. The Godflesh of Holy Animalia shall not be revoked of its sacred sovereignty, its right to unveil Divinity through every breathing molecule of existence.

Whatever has come to pass, we are made of the Earth saving itself. And I am made to adore the Earth.

I am an initiate of OCDXI, a Priestess of Magdalene, and a Sacred Whore of Babylawn. The tears of my pilgrims unsalt the Earth of a new era.

I choose it because I can.

This war ends with me.

 

**

1. OCDXI. That’s funny. Really. Fucking. Funny. Only the most dedicated esoteric symbolism hacks are gonna get that fucking joke. That makes it funnier.
2. Notable poetry from the science of genetics: that worldview basically comes down to putting value only on Y chromosomes… which is funny, because everyone has the X. Everyone. Some have more than one. So the Old World Order was built upon specifically assigning value to that which only some of us have, rather than that which is in all of us. Interesting. Special. Transparent as fuck.
3. Or Egg.
4. I support Mary’s right to choose.